Millennium Crisis (2007)

A violent alien species, the Kluduthu, kidnap Aurora and take her to their desert home planet because she holds a secret power which could wipe out all of humanity. But she escapes, only to find herself in the middle of a war which has been going on for millions of years. Can she fight them, or will she become one of them?




The first time I watched Millennium Crisis I was positively blown away at how awful it was. I mean, its astonishing.
What I discovered on my second viewing is that beyond the novelty of this being one of the worst films ever, it has no other redeeming features.


Millennium Crisis is impossible to follow. It centers around several alien races who are meant to be rather different. However a complete lack of budget and imagination means that everyone is a good-looking american. It quickly sets up its own dictionary of silly futuristic sci-fi rhetoric which is hard to keep up with -especially when you don't have much reason to care about anything that's going on, nor anyone its happening to- and then forces itself into a corner, having to try and explain everything using its own confusing jargon (check out the quotes page for an example).
The acting is so dire that when a character reels off to another some senseless waffle, one cant even gauge from the response whether whats just been said is a good thing or the end of the world. There's just no weight to anything. Its pointless.
It plods along from one badly dressed set to the next, becoming more confusing and less engaging.


Its not, however, as bad as, say, Paranormal Ascendancy. Even if it cant be understood at least the dialogue is audible. And there were a few enjoyable moments preventing us all from slipping into comas. The infrequent CGI of alien landscapes and spaceships laughably look like they've been rendered on a Playstation. Someone wields a (very homemade-looking) three-barreled gun, complete with three wonky laser sights. A woman decides to come to a sword fight topless. Ted Raimi makes an appearance (too little too late) as a nerdy space-archaeologist.
Unfortunately none of this is enough to fully counteract the senselessness of the narrative.


If you are ever curious enough to want to know how low a low-budget sci-fi film can get then look no further. If that single curiosity is strong enough you may even make it through without wanting to tear your eyes out. But if you expect anything else then expect also to be a dribbling mess come the end. You have been warned.


C.

Troll 2 (1990)

A family vacationing in a small town discovers the entire town is inhabited by trolls, who plan to eat them.


Troll 2 is an absolute delight. It hits that golden spot of good bad. It maintains a top-level awfulness throughout its 91 minutes (punctuated with little pockets of madness) but not once becomes frustrating or boring. 


The badness (and therefore joy) of Troll 2 boils down to two concentrated factors: The acting and the costumes.   
There are plenty of other bad points to this film, but these two are consistent throughout. 
Just when you might feel your enjoyment or concentration waning you're greeted by an actor wearing a brown sack with a huge pillow stuffed up his front, and sporting the most unconvincing and hilarious goblin mask. At times the crapness of the goblins caught us off guard and it was nothing other than hysterical.
The acting is either monotone and deadpan, or completely over-the-top and pantomime. There is no middle ground. Also the delivery of some lines miss the mark by several miles. 
Deborah Reed should win an award for The Most Overacting Ever In A Film in her role as the goblin queen Creedence Leonore Gielgud. She seems to have eyebrows that move independently from her face.


The cast try their hardest considering (we found out afterwards) that a lot of them had no idea what was going on with the plot. Which makes sense when it takes a good half of the movie for the characters to work out what 'Nilbog' spells backwards. It's the kind of movie that takes certain things for granted that shouldn't be - that an entire family would happily chow down upon a feast of suspiciously luminous green food, for example. The strangeness of it all is hilarious, though, and it has some of the most quotable bad movie lines ever - "There're sandwiches for tonight in here! It'll go easier on you if you eat'em. It'll make our work easy. Otherwise, we'll be forced to kill you VIOLENTLY!"


Troll 2 has developed quite a cult following (as the documentary film Best Worst Movie shows) and has dedicated fans all over the world. Even though its awful its incredibly entertaining, and there is something about it that is genuine and endearing. Troll 2 is stupid and you laugh at it, but if you met it you'd want to give it a big hug.


C.M.

Spiceworld (1997)

Climb aboard the double decker Spice Bus and get ready for a madcap musical adventure with the sexy phenomenons of pop - the Spice Girls. An encounter with extra-terrestrials, a night in a haunted castle, and a moment of truth in a maternity ward are just a few of the escapades the endeavored upon as the Girls gear up for their first live concert at London's Royal Albert Hall.


A grown man, reviewing Spiceworld. Well, would you trust a kid with that kind of responsibility? No sir. Would it shock you if I said this film is not good? Nope, thought not. So…..


…opening credits and we have a James Bond pastiche of slowly gesticulating female silhouettes which are revealed to be angry Spice girls. From now on I will always subconsciously replace in my minds eye the dancing girls on Bond intros with a rather baleful looking Emma Bunton, splendid. But the ruination of cultural icons doesn’t stop there, oh ho ho no, not by a long shot Mr/Mrs/Ms.

After miming (natch) on Top of the Pops and kissing Elton John (sheesh, does he get off likely), the girls retire to their tour bus, the driver being Meatloaf , who incidentally does not once drive the thing like a bat out of hell, ….pause… er hm. This bus, emblazoned with the union jack, is inexplicably cavernous inside. It’s an airplane hangar. Each girl has her own themed area; Posh has a catwalk, Baby has a swing and soft toys, Sporty has small dumbbells, Scary has a tank of fish, you get the idea, themed areas. Cheekily they have a door sign stating a maximum capacity of 5 girls (oh ho ho ho please stop), the thing has a freaking balcony for pity’s sake. 

At this point I must mention band manager Richard E Grant’s sideburns, you could peel an orange on them. He looks like the teddy boy one from the flying pickets. Whilst watching it is noted, that with shades on he is a spit for Agent Smith. "Tell me Ms Halliwell, what use is a microphone… if you are unable to sing?" cue Geri’s mouth disappearing….. sigh…… if only….

A few cameos onward ( Jonathan Ross, the fat dude from Cheers, Roger Moore as the record company boss channeling Ernst Stavro Blofeld ala cat stroking mixed with bad guru analogies about pigeons) we learn there was another Spice Girl who happens to be in the family way. In a scene reminiscent of Rosemary’s Baby, they are all obsessively rubbing her bump, presumably as they have yet to discover the technicalities of childbirth under the mistaken impression it’s like summoning a genie. Posh asks at one point if Godmothers can get stretch marks. Only if they smile Posh, only if they smile. Then there’s some fantasy scene where they’re all middle aged fish wives…..?.

We are then introduced to Barry Humphries’ thinly veiled Rupert Murdochalike villain who is hunting for lascivious scoops. Kudos for referencing Tarkovskiy’s Solaris, with the rain inside his office. Then bam! Those crazy kids are giving Bergman a nod with Ginger and Scary playing chess. 

Then more cameos, um, Hugh Laurie, Dominic West, Richard O’Brien, Jennifer Saunders, Sir Bob Geldof , Peter Sissons, Richard Briers, Stephen Fry telling it like it is. Alan Cumming filming it all as a documentary. It’s all pretty random. There must be a plot I’m ignoring. 

All the toilets break down simultaneously on the bus so the Spices wonder into the woods, where they meet some alien fans (that’s fans who are aliens, not fans of Alien) who get confused over what part of the body you shake upon greeting. Baby signs the stomach of one whilst Ginger snogs another.

I can’t go on….. the word compromisation is used, arseless trousers are worn by male dancers during a cover version of a Gary Glitter song in a movie aimed at children, Geri Haliwell turns into Bob Hoskins in a phone box, Moore’s cat turns into a pig, both Jools Holland and Elvis Costello go way way down in my estimations. Halliwell explains how some animals express their amorous intentions by urinating on they’re prospective mate. Sporty looks mournfully on whilst gently caressing a football.

They all are there for their friend’s baby’s birth, “Now that’s what I call girl power” is uttered to much torn hair, ashes and sackcloth.

They bring a kid out of a coma.

Finally, after doing an Evel Knievel with the bus over an agape Tower Bridge, they perform at that pantheon of high art and culture, the Albert Hall (saying that, I saw James Last play there once, I mean I wasn’t there, it was on T.V. It was alright.)
Finally finally the credits are played over the cast walking around on set complaining about their character material, winky wink. After the Spices break the fourth wall suggesting the parents who took there kids to see this thing at the cinema take them off for beer and chips, we are left with the unsettling image of them watching us from the other side of screen. I won’t sleep much tonight. 

Verdict: Stop right there thank you very much.



J.

Skyline (2010)

The residents of Los Angeles are awakened in the dead of night by an eerie light beaming through the window. Like moths to a flame, the light source is drawing people outside before they suddenly vanish into thin air. As the world unravels around them, our band of survivors soon discover they must fight for their lives against the onslaught of a mysterious alien horde. Who or what are these extraterrestrials and how long before mankind succumbs to their overwhelming power? Skyline is a high velocity special effects bonanza in the tradition of Cloverfield and 2012.

This is the most up-to-date turkey we've had the misfortune to endure, and it certainly was a test of endurance. What you'll think of the most as you watch Skyline is something along the lines of "Wow! What an epic waste of time and money. Just imagine what they could've accomplished within the time it took them to make this film."

Let us get the good points out of the way first. The special effects look quite good... There we go! On to everything else about the film. 

We refuse to believe that Skyline had a script. It would be easier to believe that the events in the film actually did happen, if it wasn't for the characters being more dull and dumb than anyone could be in real life. Think of every clichéd bad decision you've seen in a disaster movie... done? Good, now you've seen ALL of Skyline. About half way through one of us said "Aliens are landing, and we're stuck following THESE people?!".

The plot doesn't go beyond "Aliens are landing" for 99% of the film. Which would be fine (there is nothing wrong with a bit of mystery) if the characters were believable, fun, we could relate to at least one of them, or provocative. And they're not.

But then, when Skyline is reaching its inevitable conclusion and we have all excepted that the alien's motives are mysterious, a big junk of exposition and explanation is forced upon us! The end could be seen. We were all so happy that we had reached it. And then it keeps on going, with an explanation that is both unnecessary and nonsensical. 

Skyline manages to make every bad move beyond up-to-date visual effects. In that respect its not like anything we've seen before. The sad thing is you can see a good film trying to get out while you're watching it, but it goes the wrong way at every turn.  

C.

Bear (2009)

When two young couples on a road trip make the fatal decision to take a short cut through a deserted forest, they find themselves terrified and stranded with a blown tyre in the territory of a clan of colossal bears. In the ensuing panic a female bear is shot and killed only for the bear's mate, a monstrous Grizzly to emerge from the darkness to seek vicious revenge. Trapped in their car and fighting for their lives, the group must use their wits and every last drop of survival instinct to escape as they face a fierce showdown to the death.


For a film called Bear there just isn't enough bear. It should be called Four Annoying People In A Car. There's plenty of that!


First the four drive off road to take a shortcut and end up DEEP IN THE WOODS. Only it seems as if they have driven just a few yards off the main road when the car breaks down. The film makers seem incapable of showing the passing of time, and don't want to put any effort in to creating a sense of isolation. Throughout the entire film one doesn't get the sense that they are ever more than just round the corner from a road and civilisation, despite being reminded otherwise constantly by the bickering human cast.


Then it seems to take a whole afternoon to change a tyre! Just in time for it to get dark and for the nocturnal bear to show its face. Once night falls its time to be reminded every few minutes that we are watching a film. Conveniently lit trees, and lights being reflected on the car from every angle. It doesnt take much effort to spot a lamp and its stand reflected in a window on more than one occasion.


And they don't stop bickering! For the entire film you are stuck in a car in an unconvincingly lit lay-by with the most one dimensional, dull and annoying characters you've ever seen. Without a doubt the character with the most depth is the bear, who incidentally is also the best actor. 
We spent entire scenes repeating to ourselves "Why don't they get out of the car? Why don't they get out of the car? Why don't they just GET OUT OF THE CAR!?"
Bear is similar to Granny in the sense that you sympathise with the killer very early on.


We can't finish without mentioning that on two occasions the car gets flipped onto its top and the seats miraculously get folded up in the process, leaving plenty of room for the four actors to sit and move around comfortably. Because who needs continuity and realism when you've got four idiots arguing in a car for 79 minutes!?


C.

Wasp Woman (1959)

Cosmetic magnate Janice Starlin feels that she is beginning to look her age, so when Professor Zinthrop announces that he believes he can reverse the ageing process by utilising the royal jelly of a queen wasp, she eagerly puts herself forward as the first to test the theory. Her over dosage, however, turns her into a killer wasp, devouring her prey.


Roger Corman is one of those film directors synonymous with trash, so we know we're in safe hands with Wasp Woman.


The Film's description says it all really. Those two sentences at the top pretty much detail everything that happens in the film. 
There aren't many outrageously awful moments unfortunately, however we did still manage quite a few laughs a la MST3K. The makeup effects aren't terrible considering the year the film was made, and the lady of the title was, at times, quite creepy.
The film suffers (like many others of its kind) with leaving the reveal of said woman to the very end. And just when she has arrived and has begun to spread here insect carnage, the film just gives up and ends!


As stated there aren't many awful moments, but on two occasions we couldn't quite believe what we were seeing. The professor shows off his age reversal experiments by injecting a guinea pig. In the next shot it has become a (slightly smaller) rat! No one seems to notice, however, and the professor's reputation stays intact. The same professor returns to his lab one morning and discovers that one of his tiny cages he uses to keep a cat in is open and empty. He stares at the cage for a moment, and then reaches into the empty space, you know, just to make sure!


There will always be a special place in our hearts for Wasp Woman, for it is the creature's eyes that inspired our name many years ago. But unfortunately it just doesn't live up to some of the other trash that we subject ourselves to. We still have faith in Mr Corman however, and are sure he will make another appearance at some point.


C.