Millennium Crisis (2007)

A violent alien species, the Kluduthu, kidnap Aurora and take her to their desert home planet because she holds a secret power which could wipe out all of humanity. But she escapes, only to find herself in the middle of a war which has been going on for millions of years. Can she fight them, or will she become one of them?




The first time I watched Millennium Crisis I was positively blown away at how awful it was. I mean, its astonishing.
What I discovered on my second viewing is that beyond the novelty of this being one of the worst films ever, it has no other redeeming features.


Millennium Crisis is impossible to follow. It centers around several alien races who are meant to be rather different. However a complete lack of budget and imagination means that everyone is a good-looking american. It quickly sets up its own dictionary of silly futuristic sci-fi rhetoric which is hard to keep up with -especially when you don't have much reason to care about anything that's going on, nor anyone its happening to- and then forces itself into a corner, having to try and explain everything using its own confusing jargon (check out the quotes page for an example).
The acting is so dire that when a character reels off to another some senseless waffle, one cant even gauge from the response whether whats just been said is a good thing or the end of the world. There's just no weight to anything. Its pointless.
It plods along from one badly dressed set to the next, becoming more confusing and less engaging.


Its not, however, as bad as, say, Paranormal Ascendancy. Even if it cant be understood at least the dialogue is audible. And there were a few enjoyable moments preventing us all from slipping into comas. The infrequent CGI of alien landscapes and spaceships laughably look like they've been rendered on a Playstation. Someone wields a (very homemade-looking) three-barreled gun, complete with three wonky laser sights. A woman decides to come to a sword fight topless. Ted Raimi makes an appearance (too little too late) as a nerdy space-archaeologist.
Unfortunately none of this is enough to fully counteract the senselessness of the narrative.


If you are ever curious enough to want to know how low a low-budget sci-fi film can get then look no further. If that single curiosity is strong enough you may even make it through without wanting to tear your eyes out. But if you expect anything else then expect also to be a dribbling mess come the end. You have been warned.


C.

Skyline (2010)

The residents of Los Angeles are awakened in the dead of night by an eerie light beaming through the window. Like moths to a flame, the light source is drawing people outside before they suddenly vanish into thin air. As the world unravels around them, our band of survivors soon discover they must fight for their lives against the onslaught of a mysterious alien horde. Who or what are these extraterrestrials and how long before mankind succumbs to their overwhelming power? Skyline is a high velocity special effects bonanza in the tradition of Cloverfield and 2012.

This is the most up-to-date turkey we've had the misfortune to endure, and it certainly was a test of endurance. What you'll think of the most as you watch Skyline is something along the lines of "Wow! What an epic waste of time and money. Just imagine what they could've accomplished within the time it took them to make this film."

Let us get the good points out of the way first. The special effects look quite good... There we go! On to everything else about the film. 

We refuse to believe that Skyline had a script. It would be easier to believe that the events in the film actually did happen, if it wasn't for the characters being more dull and dumb than anyone could be in real life. Think of every clichéd bad decision you've seen in a disaster movie... done? Good, now you've seen ALL of Skyline. About half way through one of us said "Aliens are landing, and we're stuck following THESE people?!".

The plot doesn't go beyond "Aliens are landing" for 99% of the film. Which would be fine (there is nothing wrong with a bit of mystery) if the characters were believable, fun, we could relate to at least one of them, or provocative. And they're not.

But then, when Skyline is reaching its inevitable conclusion and we have all excepted that the alien's motives are mysterious, a big junk of exposition and explanation is forced upon us! The end could be seen. We were all so happy that we had reached it. And then it keeps on going, with an explanation that is both unnecessary and nonsensical. 

Skyline manages to make every bad move beyond up-to-date visual effects. In that respect its not like anything we've seen before. The sad thing is you can see a good film trying to get out while you're watching it, but it goes the wrong way at every turn.  

C.

Wasp Woman (1959)

Cosmetic magnate Janice Starlin feels that she is beginning to look her age, so when Professor Zinthrop announces that he believes he can reverse the ageing process by utilising the royal jelly of a queen wasp, she eagerly puts herself forward as the first to test the theory. Her over dosage, however, turns her into a killer wasp, devouring her prey.


Roger Corman is one of those film directors synonymous with trash, so we know we're in safe hands with Wasp Woman.


The Film's description says it all really. Those two sentences at the top pretty much detail everything that happens in the film. 
There aren't many outrageously awful moments unfortunately, however we did still manage quite a few laughs a la MST3K. The makeup effects aren't terrible considering the year the film was made, and the lady of the title was, at times, quite creepy.
The film suffers (like many others of its kind) with leaving the reveal of said woman to the very end. And just when she has arrived and has begun to spread here insect carnage, the film just gives up and ends!


As stated there aren't many awful moments, but on two occasions we couldn't quite believe what we were seeing. The professor shows off his age reversal experiments by injecting a guinea pig. In the next shot it has become a (slightly smaller) rat! No one seems to notice, however, and the professor's reputation stays intact. The same professor returns to his lab one morning and discovers that one of his tiny cages he uses to keep a cat in is open and empty. He stares at the cage for a moment, and then reaches into the empty space, you know, just to make sure!


There will always be a special place in our hearts for Wasp Woman, for it is the creature's eyes that inspired our name many years ago. But unfortunately it just doesn't live up to some of the other trash that we subject ourselves to. We still have faith in Mr Corman however, and are sure he will make another appearance at some point.


C.