Granny (1999)

A group of college friends find themselves at the mercy of a murdering Granny in the middle of their prank-filled party night. They end up turning against each other as the carnage builds up...


Granny should be given some credit; it breaks the record for the least amount of time watched before we wanted every character to be killed. In the most gruesome and horrible way possible, preferably. Unfortunately the carnage as promised in the description doesn't happen until a good twenty minutes into the film (a third of the total length of the film ... A THIRD!) and the first part is spent building up the most idiotic and annoying bunch of characters you'll ever come across. We can only assume that the only reason these people hang out together is because no one else will.


The film begins with a new girl wanting to join the group (for some reason), but before she is allowed to join their sacred circle of awesomeness, she must go through some kind of initiation ritual (and no, it's not surviving twenty minutes of listening to the rest of them talk). To cut a very long story short, one by one the friends get picked off in hilariously awful ways (knitting needles through the eyes, anyone?) and instead of, oh, I don't know, RUNNING AWAY, the surviving crew decide to bleat around panicking and shouting at each other until they're all dead.

Sorry if we ruined that for you there. But the good news is, there's a nonsensical DOUBLE TWIST at the end. We won't tell you what it is. You can spend the first twenty minutes trying to guess instead of watching it.

The best part of this film is how much you wish to inflict it upon others. The characters will enrage you so much and so quickly that you can't help but cry out at the screen. But once its all over you'll want to watch the mounting anger fill the faces of your loved ones as you bring the horror of Granny upon them for the first time.


C. M. 

The Final Executioner (1983)

The hunt is on, the prey is human. This is how the survivors of the holocaust amuse themselves ... until one of the hunted survives.
The survivor burnt up with hatred and a seething desire for vengeance, undergoes a programme of ruthless training at the hands of an ex-cop.
The hunted becomes the hunter ... the Final Executioner.


A man and a woman (possibly husband and wife, the relationship is never explained) are forced to take a train ride to start this one off. They are prey for the decadent (often barely dressed) hunter class that rule this post-apocalyptic world (we love a good-old Mad Max style post-apocalyptic adventure, especially when the budget is low). 
They are cast out into the wilderness and given a head start to make the chase more interesting. They get caught and she gets killed. The man eventually escapes with a bullet wound and is found and cared for by an ex-cop, played by Woody Strode (yes, that's Woody Strode from Once Upon A Time In The West!). 
He is trained in the fine arts of dodging swinging weights, crawling under barbed wire and leaping/rolling through flames, none of which have any bearing on his mission of vengeance. After driving a car through a mass brawl he moves on to take out the one-time hunters at their country house. None of this part of the film stands out because quite a lot of it was filmed in the dark, and all you can see is the odd flash of blade or gunfire.


This isn't the most fun we've had with this sub-genre, but it has its moments. The training montage in which the protagonist gets put through hell, seemingly just for Strode's character's pleasure is particularly enjoyable. There is a chase scene against two motorbikes, with one rider slowing down and stopping to allow the chaser to catch up. Also, there are some great hairstyles. 


D. C.

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002)

When two researchers discover a colossal shark's tooth off the Mexican coast their worst fears surface - the most menacing beast to ever rule the waters is still alive and mercilessly feeding on anything that crosses its path.


You can't go wrong with a low-budget creature feature. Providing enough screen time is dedicated to poorly made puppets and/or shocking compositing. Shark Attack 3 at least has a generous amount of the latter, albeit crammed mostly into the last act. That's not to say that everything leading up to it isn't enjoyable also in some way.


The plot is your standard affair- Leviathan hunts innocent swimmers and fishermen, while the coast guard try to kill it, marine biologists try to save it, and everyone else refuses to believe it exists.


The acting is classic z-grade stuff, with everyone taking their roles very seriously. Except that is for the lead, John Barrowman (of Torchwood and cheesy saturday night TV 'fame'), who seems to know exactly what he is doing, delivering his dialogue with the right amount of camp and self-awareness.


Shark Attack 3 is full of memorable moments. Highlights include: Barrowman's character photographs a shark's tooth that he is holding, only for the image to appear on his computer instantaneously and free from any clasping finger,or background! The infamous line (those who have seen the film will know exactly which line this is). A man jet-skiing right into the megalodon's gaping mouth. Those moments, and many more, had us laughing in joyous disbelief throughout. Which makes this film a definite Teacake Society recommendation.   


C.