DOA: Dead or Alive (2006)

Based on the popular video game, DOA – Dead or Alive finds three high-kicking females competing in a martial arts tournament on a secluded island. The women include wrestler Tina Armstrong (Jaime Pressley, My Name is Earl), jewel thief Christie Allen (Holly Valance, Neighbours), and Japanese princess Kasumi (Devon Aoki, Sin City). Although initially rivals, the trio are forced to work together in order to defeat a malevolent force. Master action film director Corey Yuen (The Transporter) injects a huge amount of flair and energy into the film, the plot of which predominantly consists of scantily clad women engaged in fights. WWE wrestler Kevin Nash (aka Diesel) makes a notable appearance as Tina's father, who also competes in the tournament.


WARNING: Although the rating for this film is agreed by every Teacake Society member, this review is very much Megan's own personal diatribe. 


Before I start this review, I should confess something, and get a bit of a rant out of the way.


I was kind of pre-destined to hate this film. As a young woman who enjoys watching films that have complex, three-dimensional, interesting women in them, and who regularly tuts at the semi-naked, plastic women that seem to occupy most tabloid newspapers/some films/a lot of computer games, and who point blank refuses to even watch a second of DOA: Extreme Beach Volleyball, I was never going to find this film a hoot. It didn't disappoint, either, as from the get-go there are boobs and hair extensions flying in all directions. I don't think I've ever tutted so much in my life during one evening. But to give it a smidgen of credit, the costume design at least is pretty faithful to the games, which means that I am not allowed to spend this whole review ranting on about their lack of clothing. Make of that what you will ...


I'll give it this though: its brazen. It's all action and lipgloss. But the problem is with movies is that you expect some kind of feasible plot, something that at least pads out the long action scenes and gravity-defying boobs stunts (I'm really trying here). The three protagonists find themselves invited, for reasons unknown, to compete in a martial arts tournament, located on an island. To kick-start the improbability factor, the contestants are dropped out of a plane and have to arrive at the top of the island by a certain time. This involves a heck of a lot of gravity defiance as the girls lithely swing and leap through the air. Goodness knows how the other contestants got there as this whole section of the film shows none of them. They probably took an escalator or something.


In fact, the other contestants get a pretty raw deal in this film, as they have the tiniest screen time that is physically possible without having to rename the competition (to DOA: Let's Watch Three Women Play Volleyball Together and then Fight in the Rain). The film is littered with little plot moments for the three of them. Holly Valance's character, Christie Allen, is a jewel thief/part time nudist, and the Japanese princess character Kasumi spends a lot of time pouting whilst daydreaming about her kingdom/thinking about looking for her long lost brother (whilst not actually doing anything about it). Female wrestler/All Round American Blondie Tina Armstrong has quite a sweet relationship with her Dad, though, and they have a few nice moments together (in fact, their fight scene is probably one of the few highlights of the film, even though it involves lithe Tina fighting against her Hulk of a father on a thin raft on a lake without one of them tipping it over). Plot-wise, the cliches keep on coming. Here are a choice few:

• Nerdy tech guy hangs around a beautiful woman and makes an arse of himself whilst trying to chat her up, but eventually wins her over by saving her life or something like that
• One of the girls actually says "I broke a nail!"
• There is a narrow escape from an explosion which involves all the characters flying through the air as a fireball erupts behind them.

The overarching plot, meanwhile, doesn't make any sense - AT ALL. The organizer of the whole competition turns out to be eeeevil, which you would have thought the contestants would have seen coming ("Come to my mysterious island and let me scan your DNA and watch you constantly through the obvious CCTV cameras! I'm not evil though!"), and this is dramatically revealed as he kidnaps the lovely ladies and shows them a pair of glasses that he has designed, which apparently let him see what moves to use next in a fight. He manages to beat up quite a few of them before the glasses get knocked off his face (During which we were all screaming: "TAKE HIS GLASSES OFF! JUST TAKE THE GLASSES OFF!"). You'd think he would have designed them with a strap or something.

Anyway, the film concludes the way you'd imagine it to (explosion, leaping through the air). And it is exactly as you'd imagine just by looking at the box. A lot of boobs; a little bit of brain. Some of the action sequences were choreographed quite well, and there were a few funny little moments. The acting and plot however are dreadful. If you're a teenage boy (or a man with no pride), this film will make you happy. If you're a woman who isn't in the film yourself, it will make you want to vomit. Go watch Charlie's Angels instead (or on second thoughts, maybe not ...)

M.