Lone Wolf McQuade (1983)

Texas Ranger and martial arts expert J.J. McQuade (Norris), along with FBI agent Jackson must track down bad guy Rawley Wilkes (Carradine) who is stealing U.S. military weapons and selling them to terrorists in Central America. When he comes face-to-face with the so-far undefeated Wilkes in a violent showdown, it's karate vs. kung fu.


Lone Wolf McQuade. The title alone ensures you're in 'maverick law enforcer' country, with a good dose of uzi spray, face kicking, beer swilling, and 'under-appreciated partner getting shot at' peril, all set against some faceless dust-bowl... and Chuck Norris' chest. 


Much Chuck Norris goodness to be had from this, most of it beer-fuelled by the look of it. The action starts out in the desert with the rescue of some cops, moves on to a very one-sided arms deal that introduces the villain-in-chief, christmas cardigan wearing David Carridine (have you ever notice how many teeth that man had),
 and carries on sporadically throughout the film interspersed with a girl screaming "Daddy!" and running at McQuade. Cut to (eventually) a racecourse for one of the best "villain" reveals ever committed to celluloid. A man is seen looking through binoculars and a whirring, whining electrical noise is heard. The camera pans down and a small person in a wheelchair moves into view. This character comes complete with revolving wall escape method and silly laugh.


Added to all this we have the Carradine's "partner" (business, sexual, canasta? We don't know) Barbera Carrera in a random ill-fated and unlikely whirlwind romance with McQuade, which starts with her well heeled lady of means breaking into his shack and doing the cleaning. Naturally this results in them frolicking around with a garden hose in a pool of mud. Then there's the man we all thought was Eric Estrada, Robert Beltran as McQuade's unwanted new partner (definately business) who spends most of his time chasing after Mcquade like a jilted girlfriend in his police car.

You can probably guess how it it all ends, yes Carradine and Chuck hitting each other a lot. You won't, however, be able to conceive the vastness of Chuck's sweat sodden shirt collection. The man has a lot of shirts. And his knee joints sweat, which I thought was weird.

We discover that McQuade seems to have a beer-filled fridge in every room, and that this beer seems to do for him what spinach does for Popeye. Take, for instance, the time he is buried in his truck/SUV. We are shown earlier in the film that this truck has some sort of turbo-boost system installed, and this is used to full effect to escape his early grave. After swilling a little beer, and then liberally applying the rest of the can as a sort of body wash, he activates the boost and stomps on the gas. At first the truck moves slowly up the slope, and then leaps majestically out of the hole to run down some henchmen.

If you can dodge a point blank uzi burst and sweat like Big Daddy in a burning wendy house, then you're Chuck Norris, and you don't need to watch this stuff. It's what you do betwixt breakfast and brunch. If you aren't Chuck Norris, you must settle for the Lone Wolf my friend, and maybe punch a large soft toy at your convenience.

Happy watching and go careful out there.

J. D.