Millennium Crisis (2007)

A violent alien species, the Kluduthu, kidnap Aurora and take her to their desert home planet because she holds a secret power which could wipe out all of humanity. But she escapes, only to find herself in the middle of a war which has been going on for millions of years. Can she fight them, or will she become one of them?




The first time I watched Millennium Crisis I was positively blown away at how awful it was. I mean, its astonishing.
What I discovered on my second viewing is that beyond the novelty of this being one of the worst films ever, it has no other redeeming features.


Millennium Crisis is impossible to follow. It centers around several alien races who are meant to be rather different. However a complete lack of budget and imagination means that everyone is a good-looking american. It quickly sets up its own dictionary of silly futuristic sci-fi rhetoric which is hard to keep up with -especially when you don't have much reason to care about anything that's going on, nor anyone its happening to- and then forces itself into a corner, having to try and explain everything using its own confusing jargon (check out the quotes page for an example).
The acting is so dire that when a character reels off to another some senseless waffle, one cant even gauge from the response whether whats just been said is a good thing or the end of the world. There's just no weight to anything. Its pointless.
It plods along from one badly dressed set to the next, becoming more confusing and less engaging.


Its not, however, as bad as, say, Paranormal Ascendancy. Even if it cant be understood at least the dialogue is audible. And there were a few enjoyable moments preventing us all from slipping into comas. The infrequent CGI of alien landscapes and spaceships laughably look like they've been rendered on a Playstation. Someone wields a (very homemade-looking) three-barreled gun, complete with three wonky laser sights. A woman decides to come to a sword fight topless. Ted Raimi makes an appearance (too little too late) as a nerdy space-archaeologist.
Unfortunately none of this is enough to fully counteract the senselessness of the narrative.


If you are ever curious enough to want to know how low a low-budget sci-fi film can get then look no further. If that single curiosity is strong enough you may even make it through without wanting to tear your eyes out. But if you expect anything else then expect also to be a dribbling mess come the end. You have been warned.


C.

Troll 2 (1990)

A family vacationing in a small town discovers the entire town is inhabited by trolls, who plan to eat them.


Troll 2 is an absolute delight. It hits that golden spot of good bad. It maintains a top-level awfulness throughout its 91 minutes (punctuated with little pockets of madness) but not once becomes frustrating or boring. 


The badness (and therefore joy) of Troll 2 boils down to two concentrated factors: The acting and the costumes.   
There are plenty of other bad points to this film, but these two are consistent throughout. 
Just when you might feel your enjoyment or concentration waning you're greeted by an actor wearing a brown sack with a huge pillow stuffed up his front, and sporting the most unconvincing and hilarious goblin mask. At times the crapness of the goblins caught us off guard and it was nothing other than hysterical.
The acting is either monotone and deadpan, or completely over-the-top and pantomime. There is no middle ground. Also the delivery of some lines miss the mark by several miles. 
Deborah Reed should win an award for The Most Overacting Ever In A Film in her role as the goblin queen Creedence Leonore Gielgud. She seems to have eyebrows that move independently from her face.


The cast try their hardest considering (we found out afterwards) that a lot of them had no idea what was going on with the plot. Which makes sense when it takes a good half of the movie for the characters to work out what 'Nilbog' spells backwards. It's the kind of movie that takes certain things for granted that shouldn't be - that an entire family would happily chow down upon a feast of suspiciously luminous green food, for example. The strangeness of it all is hilarious, though, and it has some of the most quotable bad movie lines ever - "There're sandwiches for tonight in here! It'll go easier on you if you eat'em. It'll make our work easy. Otherwise, we'll be forced to kill you VIOLENTLY!"


Troll 2 has developed quite a cult following (as the documentary film Best Worst Movie shows) and has dedicated fans all over the world. Even though its awful its incredibly entertaining, and there is something about it that is genuine and endearing. Troll 2 is stupid and you laugh at it, but if you met it you'd want to give it a big hug.


C.M.

Spiceworld (1997)

Climb aboard the double decker Spice Bus and get ready for a madcap musical adventure with the sexy phenomenons of pop - the Spice Girls. An encounter with extra-terrestrials, a night in a haunted castle, and a moment of truth in a maternity ward are just a few of the escapades the endeavored upon as the Girls gear up for their first live concert at London's Royal Albert Hall.


A grown man, reviewing Spiceworld. Well, would you trust a kid with that kind of responsibility? No sir. Would it shock you if I said this film is not good? Nope, thought not. So…..


…opening credits and we have a James Bond pastiche of slowly gesticulating female silhouettes which are revealed to be angry Spice girls. From now on I will always subconsciously replace in my minds eye the dancing girls on Bond intros with a rather baleful looking Emma Bunton, splendid. But the ruination of cultural icons doesn’t stop there, oh ho ho no, not by a long shot Mr/Mrs/Ms.

After miming (natch) on Top of the Pops and kissing Elton John (sheesh, does he get off likely), the girls retire to their tour bus, the driver being Meatloaf , who incidentally does not once drive the thing like a bat out of hell, ….pause… er hm. This bus, emblazoned with the union jack, is inexplicably cavernous inside. It’s an airplane hangar. Each girl has her own themed area; Posh has a catwalk, Baby has a swing and soft toys, Sporty has small dumbbells, Scary has a tank of fish, you get the idea, themed areas. Cheekily they have a door sign stating a maximum capacity of 5 girls (oh ho ho ho please stop), the thing has a freaking balcony for pity’s sake. 

At this point I must mention band manager Richard E Grant’s sideburns, you could peel an orange on them. He looks like the teddy boy one from the flying pickets. Whilst watching it is noted, that with shades on he is a spit for Agent Smith. "Tell me Ms Halliwell, what use is a microphone… if you are unable to sing?" cue Geri’s mouth disappearing….. sigh…… if only….

A few cameos onward ( Jonathan Ross, the fat dude from Cheers, Roger Moore as the record company boss channeling Ernst Stavro Blofeld ala cat stroking mixed with bad guru analogies about pigeons) we learn there was another Spice Girl who happens to be in the family way. In a scene reminiscent of Rosemary’s Baby, they are all obsessively rubbing her bump, presumably as they have yet to discover the technicalities of childbirth under the mistaken impression it’s like summoning a genie. Posh asks at one point if Godmothers can get stretch marks. Only if they smile Posh, only if they smile. Then there’s some fantasy scene where they’re all middle aged fish wives…..?.

We are then introduced to Barry Humphries’ thinly veiled Rupert Murdochalike villain who is hunting for lascivious scoops. Kudos for referencing Tarkovskiy’s Solaris, with the rain inside his office. Then bam! Those crazy kids are giving Bergman a nod with Ginger and Scary playing chess. 

Then more cameos, um, Hugh Laurie, Dominic West, Richard O’Brien, Jennifer Saunders, Sir Bob Geldof , Peter Sissons, Richard Briers, Stephen Fry telling it like it is. Alan Cumming filming it all as a documentary. It’s all pretty random. There must be a plot I’m ignoring. 

All the toilets break down simultaneously on the bus so the Spices wonder into the woods, where they meet some alien fans (that’s fans who are aliens, not fans of Alien) who get confused over what part of the body you shake upon greeting. Baby signs the stomach of one whilst Ginger snogs another.

I can’t go on….. the word compromisation is used, arseless trousers are worn by male dancers during a cover version of a Gary Glitter song in a movie aimed at children, Geri Haliwell turns into Bob Hoskins in a phone box, Moore’s cat turns into a pig, both Jools Holland and Elvis Costello go way way down in my estimations. Halliwell explains how some animals express their amorous intentions by urinating on they’re prospective mate. Sporty looks mournfully on whilst gently caressing a football.

They all are there for their friend’s baby’s birth, “Now that’s what I call girl power” is uttered to much torn hair, ashes and sackcloth.

They bring a kid out of a coma.

Finally, after doing an Evel Knievel with the bus over an agape Tower Bridge, they perform at that pantheon of high art and culture, the Albert Hall (saying that, I saw James Last play there once, I mean I wasn’t there, it was on T.V. It was alright.)
Finally finally the credits are played over the cast walking around on set complaining about their character material, winky wink. After the Spices break the fourth wall suggesting the parents who took there kids to see this thing at the cinema take them off for beer and chips, we are left with the unsettling image of them watching us from the other side of screen. I won’t sleep much tonight. 

Verdict: Stop right there thank you very much.



J.

Skyline (2010)

The residents of Los Angeles are awakened in the dead of night by an eerie light beaming through the window. Like moths to a flame, the light source is drawing people outside before they suddenly vanish into thin air. As the world unravels around them, our band of survivors soon discover they must fight for their lives against the onslaught of a mysterious alien horde. Who or what are these extraterrestrials and how long before mankind succumbs to their overwhelming power? Skyline is a high velocity special effects bonanza in the tradition of Cloverfield and 2012.

This is the most up-to-date turkey we've had the misfortune to endure, and it certainly was a test of endurance. What you'll think of the most as you watch Skyline is something along the lines of "Wow! What an epic waste of time and money. Just imagine what they could've accomplished within the time it took them to make this film."

Let us get the good points out of the way first. The special effects look quite good... There we go! On to everything else about the film. 

We refuse to believe that Skyline had a script. It would be easier to believe that the events in the film actually did happen, if it wasn't for the characters being more dull and dumb than anyone could be in real life. Think of every clichéd bad decision you've seen in a disaster movie... done? Good, now you've seen ALL of Skyline. About half way through one of us said "Aliens are landing, and we're stuck following THESE people?!".

The plot doesn't go beyond "Aliens are landing" for 99% of the film. Which would be fine (there is nothing wrong with a bit of mystery) if the characters were believable, fun, we could relate to at least one of them, or provocative. And they're not.

But then, when Skyline is reaching its inevitable conclusion and we have all excepted that the alien's motives are mysterious, a big junk of exposition and explanation is forced upon us! The end could be seen. We were all so happy that we had reached it. And then it keeps on going, with an explanation that is both unnecessary and nonsensical. 

Skyline manages to make every bad move beyond up-to-date visual effects. In that respect its not like anything we've seen before. The sad thing is you can see a good film trying to get out while you're watching it, but it goes the wrong way at every turn.  

C.

Bear (2009)

When two young couples on a road trip make the fatal decision to take a short cut through a deserted forest, they find themselves terrified and stranded with a blown tyre in the territory of a clan of colossal bears. In the ensuing panic a female bear is shot and killed only for the bear's mate, a monstrous Grizzly to emerge from the darkness to seek vicious revenge. Trapped in their car and fighting for their lives, the group must use their wits and every last drop of survival instinct to escape as they face a fierce showdown to the death.


For a film called Bear there just isn't enough bear. It should be called Four Annoying People In A Car. There's plenty of that!


First the four drive off road to take a shortcut and end up DEEP IN THE WOODS. Only it seems as if they have driven just a few yards off the main road when the car breaks down. The film makers seem incapable of showing the passing of time, and don't want to put any effort in to creating a sense of isolation. Throughout the entire film one doesn't get the sense that they are ever more than just round the corner from a road and civilisation, despite being reminded otherwise constantly by the bickering human cast.


Then it seems to take a whole afternoon to change a tyre! Just in time for it to get dark and for the nocturnal bear to show its face. Once night falls its time to be reminded every few minutes that we are watching a film. Conveniently lit trees, and lights being reflected on the car from every angle. It doesnt take much effort to spot a lamp and its stand reflected in a window on more than one occasion.


And they don't stop bickering! For the entire film you are stuck in a car in an unconvincingly lit lay-by with the most one dimensional, dull and annoying characters you've ever seen. Without a doubt the character with the most depth is the bear, who incidentally is also the best actor. 
We spent entire scenes repeating to ourselves "Why don't they get out of the car? Why don't they get out of the car? Why don't they just GET OUT OF THE CAR!?"
Bear is similar to Granny in the sense that you sympathise with the killer very early on.


We can't finish without mentioning that on two occasions the car gets flipped onto its top and the seats miraculously get folded up in the process, leaving plenty of room for the four actors to sit and move around comfortably. Because who needs continuity and realism when you've got four idiots arguing in a car for 79 minutes!?


C.

Wasp Woman (1959)

Cosmetic magnate Janice Starlin feels that she is beginning to look her age, so when Professor Zinthrop announces that he believes he can reverse the ageing process by utilising the royal jelly of a queen wasp, she eagerly puts herself forward as the first to test the theory. Her over dosage, however, turns her into a killer wasp, devouring her prey.


Roger Corman is one of those film directors synonymous with trash, so we know we're in safe hands with Wasp Woman.


The Film's description says it all really. Those two sentences at the top pretty much detail everything that happens in the film. 
There aren't many outrageously awful moments unfortunately, however we did still manage quite a few laughs a la MST3K. The makeup effects aren't terrible considering the year the film was made, and the lady of the title was, at times, quite creepy.
The film suffers (like many others of its kind) with leaving the reveal of said woman to the very end. And just when she has arrived and has begun to spread here insect carnage, the film just gives up and ends!


As stated there aren't many awful moments, but on two occasions we couldn't quite believe what we were seeing. The professor shows off his age reversal experiments by injecting a guinea pig. In the next shot it has become a (slightly smaller) rat! No one seems to notice, however, and the professor's reputation stays intact. The same professor returns to his lab one morning and discovers that one of his tiny cages he uses to keep a cat in is open and empty. He stares at the cage for a moment, and then reaches into the empty space, you know, just to make sure!


There will always be a special place in our hearts for Wasp Woman, for it is the creature's eyes that inspired our name many years ago. But unfortunately it just doesn't live up to some of the other trash that we subject ourselves to. We still have faith in Mr Corman however, and are sure he will make another appearance at some point.


C.

DOA: Dead or Alive (2006)

Based on the popular video game, DOA – Dead or Alive finds three high-kicking females competing in a martial arts tournament on a secluded island. The women include wrestler Tina Armstrong (Jaime Pressley, My Name is Earl), jewel thief Christie Allen (Holly Valance, Neighbours), and Japanese princess Kasumi (Devon Aoki, Sin City). Although initially rivals, the trio are forced to work together in order to defeat a malevolent force. Master action film director Corey Yuen (The Transporter) injects a huge amount of flair and energy into the film, the plot of which predominantly consists of scantily clad women engaged in fights. WWE wrestler Kevin Nash (aka Diesel) makes a notable appearance as Tina's father, who also competes in the tournament.


WARNING: Although the rating for this film is agreed by every Teacake Society member, this review is very much Megan's own personal diatribe. 


Before I start this review, I should confess something, and get a bit of a rant out of the way.


I was kind of pre-destined to hate this film. As a young woman who enjoys watching films that have complex, three-dimensional, interesting women in them, and who regularly tuts at the semi-naked, plastic women that seem to occupy most tabloid newspapers/some films/a lot of computer games, and who point blank refuses to even watch a second of DOA: Extreme Beach Volleyball, I was never going to find this film a hoot. It didn't disappoint, either, as from the get-go there are boobs and hair extensions flying in all directions. I don't think I've ever tutted so much in my life during one evening. But to give it a smidgen of credit, the costume design at least is pretty faithful to the games, which means that I am not allowed to spend this whole review ranting on about their lack of clothing. Make of that what you will ...


I'll give it this though: its brazen. It's all action and lipgloss. But the problem is with movies is that you expect some kind of feasible plot, something that at least pads out the long action scenes and gravity-defying boobs stunts (I'm really trying here). The three protagonists find themselves invited, for reasons unknown, to compete in a martial arts tournament, located on an island. To kick-start the improbability factor, the contestants are dropped out of a plane and have to arrive at the top of the island by a certain time. This involves a heck of a lot of gravity defiance as the girls lithely swing and leap through the air. Goodness knows how the other contestants got there as this whole section of the film shows none of them. They probably took an escalator or something.


In fact, the other contestants get a pretty raw deal in this film, as they have the tiniest screen time that is physically possible without having to rename the competition (to DOA: Let's Watch Three Women Play Volleyball Together and then Fight in the Rain). The film is littered with little plot moments for the three of them. Holly Valance's character, Christie Allen, is a jewel thief/part time nudist, and the Japanese princess character Kasumi spends a lot of time pouting whilst daydreaming about her kingdom/thinking about looking for her long lost brother (whilst not actually doing anything about it). Female wrestler/All Round American Blondie Tina Armstrong has quite a sweet relationship with her Dad, though, and they have a few nice moments together (in fact, their fight scene is probably one of the few highlights of the film, even though it involves lithe Tina fighting against her Hulk of a father on a thin raft on a lake without one of them tipping it over). Plot-wise, the cliches keep on coming. Here are a choice few:

• Nerdy tech guy hangs around a beautiful woman and makes an arse of himself whilst trying to chat her up, but eventually wins her over by saving her life or something like that
• One of the girls actually says "I broke a nail!"
• There is a narrow escape from an explosion which involves all the characters flying through the air as a fireball erupts behind them.

The overarching plot, meanwhile, doesn't make any sense - AT ALL. The organizer of the whole competition turns out to be eeeevil, which you would have thought the contestants would have seen coming ("Come to my mysterious island and let me scan your DNA and watch you constantly through the obvious CCTV cameras! I'm not evil though!"), and this is dramatically revealed as he kidnaps the lovely ladies and shows them a pair of glasses that he has designed, which apparently let him see what moves to use next in a fight. He manages to beat up quite a few of them before the glasses get knocked off his face (During which we were all screaming: "TAKE HIS GLASSES OFF! JUST TAKE THE GLASSES OFF!"). You'd think he would have designed them with a strap or something.

Anyway, the film concludes the way you'd imagine it to (explosion, leaping through the air). And it is exactly as you'd imagine just by looking at the box. A lot of boobs; a little bit of brain. Some of the action sequences were choreographed quite well, and there were a few funny little moments. The acting and plot however are dreadful. If you're a teenage boy (or a man with no pride), this film will make you happy. If you're a woman who isn't in the film yourself, it will make you want to vomit. Go watch Charlie's Angels instead (or on second thoughts, maybe not ...)

M.

Lone Wolf McQuade (1983)

Texas Ranger and martial arts expert J.J. McQuade (Norris), along with FBI agent Jackson must track down bad guy Rawley Wilkes (Carradine) who is stealing U.S. military weapons and selling them to terrorists in Central America. When he comes face-to-face with the so-far undefeated Wilkes in a violent showdown, it's karate vs. kung fu.


Lone Wolf McQuade. The title alone ensures you're in 'maverick law enforcer' country, with a good dose of uzi spray, face kicking, beer swilling, and 'under-appreciated partner getting shot at' peril, all set against some faceless dust-bowl... and Chuck Norris' chest. 


Much Chuck Norris goodness to be had from this, most of it beer-fuelled by the look of it. The action starts out in the desert with the rescue of some cops, moves on to a very one-sided arms deal that introduces the villain-in-chief, christmas cardigan wearing David Carridine (have you ever notice how many teeth that man had),
 and carries on sporadically throughout the film interspersed with a girl screaming "Daddy!" and running at McQuade. Cut to (eventually) a racecourse for one of the best "villain" reveals ever committed to celluloid. A man is seen looking through binoculars and a whirring, whining electrical noise is heard. The camera pans down and a small person in a wheelchair moves into view. This character comes complete with revolving wall escape method and silly laugh.


Added to all this we have the Carradine's "partner" (business, sexual, canasta? We don't know) Barbera Carrera in a random ill-fated and unlikely whirlwind romance with McQuade, which starts with her well heeled lady of means breaking into his shack and doing the cleaning. Naturally this results in them frolicking around with a garden hose in a pool of mud. Then there's the man we all thought was Eric Estrada, Robert Beltran as McQuade's unwanted new partner (definately business) who spends most of his time chasing after Mcquade like a jilted girlfriend in his police car.

You can probably guess how it it all ends, yes Carradine and Chuck hitting each other a lot. You won't, however, be able to conceive the vastness of Chuck's sweat sodden shirt collection. The man has a lot of shirts. And his knee joints sweat, which I thought was weird.

We discover that McQuade seems to have a beer-filled fridge in every room, and that this beer seems to do for him what spinach does for Popeye. Take, for instance, the time he is buried in his truck/SUV. We are shown earlier in the film that this truck has some sort of turbo-boost system installed, and this is used to full effect to escape his early grave. After swilling a little beer, and then liberally applying the rest of the can as a sort of body wash, he activates the boost and stomps on the gas. At first the truck moves slowly up the slope, and then leaps majestically out of the hole to run down some henchmen.

If you can dodge a point blank uzi burst and sweat like Big Daddy in a burning wendy house, then you're Chuck Norris, and you don't need to watch this stuff. It's what you do betwixt breakfast and brunch. If you aren't Chuck Norris, you must settle for the Lone Wolf my friend, and maybe punch a large soft toy at your convenience.

Happy watching and go careful out there.

J. D.

Paranormal Ascendancy (2008)

Housemates Michael and Kenny have experienced some strange events in middle the of the night and Kenny is now convinced that he has a ghost living in his room who becomes active at 3.00am every night. Expecting to see nothing but a few tricks, Michael visit's Kenny's room himself one night and is totally freaked out by the experience.
Soon the activity becomes increasingly worse and they find themselves being taunted by mysterious spirits.


Wow! This redefines awful in terms Uwe Boll or Ed Wood couldn't dream of.


It looks pretty obvious from the film title and DVD cover that someone's trying to cash in on the success of Paranormal Activity. There is however very little to compare the two. Paranormal Activity is a horror film using familiar universal fears (things that go bump in the night) to scare the audience. Paranormal Ascendancy is a HORRIFIC film using bad film making to scare the audience. It was very scary, just not as the makers intended.


It's hard to conceive how bad this movie is. Every aspect of it (with the possible exception of some of the music) was poorly made. The script, the acting, the plot, the camera work, the editing, the lighting, the sound. All of it was terrible. Utterly terrible.


NO SHOT is framed properly! Characters will be talking to each other and one will barely be in frame. Its as if someone went through the film and cropped each shot randomly. 
The entire film has been tinted in a dull grey/green. Its as if the director watched The Matrix and thought "Wow, that was a unique and atmospheric film. Colour tinting my film will surly create a similar effect and be a sure-fire way to success." All it succeeds in doing here however is make the film drab and unwatchable.


The sound levels go up and down more than... actually more than anything. The sound even cuts out at times. Dialogue is muffled and distorted. We seemed to miss entire scenes of dialogue because it was so hard to hear, eventually we would just give up and talk amongst ourselves. It sounded like they were hiding the microphones in weird places like bedding and car doors. There were a lot of loud bangs and rustling that had no connection to the movie, apart from the fact that someone got into bed and a car door was shut.
Just when we thought it couldn't get any worse, at one point the picture and audio just disappeared for over a second. Leaving us with a black screen to stare at! Thinking about it, that was probably the most convincing moment of the film.


The script is atrocious and the "action" is so wimpy it could open a burger restaurant chain. The acting seemed to consist of reading the lines off a card held just out of shot. 


It does, however, have a quarter-way decent soundtrack. There were small pockets of atmosphere that came purely from the music. How the hell they managed to get permission to use Stevie Wonder's Superstition for the closing credits, we will never know.


The thing about Paranormal Ascendancy is its a bad film in every way, and an utterly unenjoyable film. In the Teacake Society we try to find enjoyable elements in all the bad films we watch, but there is just nothing in this film to smile at. We can usually find something ridiculous or ambitious to share in and enjoy, but Paranormal Ascendancy doesn't go far enough either way. Its just dull poorly made cinema.


In summary: Don't!


D. C.

Granny (1999)

A group of college friends find themselves at the mercy of a murdering Granny in the middle of their prank-filled party night. They end up turning against each other as the carnage builds up...


Granny should be given some credit; it breaks the record for the least amount of time watched before we wanted every character to be killed. In the most gruesome and horrible way possible, preferably. Unfortunately the carnage as promised in the description doesn't happen until a good twenty minutes into the film (a third of the total length of the film ... A THIRD!) and the first part is spent building up the most idiotic and annoying bunch of characters you'll ever come across. We can only assume that the only reason these people hang out together is because no one else will.


The film begins with a new girl wanting to join the group (for some reason), but before she is allowed to join their sacred circle of awesomeness, she must go through some kind of initiation ritual (and no, it's not surviving twenty minutes of listening to the rest of them talk). To cut a very long story short, one by one the friends get picked off in hilariously awful ways (knitting needles through the eyes, anyone?) and instead of, oh, I don't know, RUNNING AWAY, the surviving crew decide to bleat around panicking and shouting at each other until they're all dead.

Sorry if we ruined that for you there. But the good news is, there's a nonsensical DOUBLE TWIST at the end. We won't tell you what it is. You can spend the first twenty minutes trying to guess instead of watching it.

The best part of this film is how much you wish to inflict it upon others. The characters will enrage you so much and so quickly that you can't help but cry out at the screen. But once its all over you'll want to watch the mounting anger fill the faces of your loved ones as you bring the horror of Granny upon them for the first time.


C. M. 

The Final Executioner (1983)

The hunt is on, the prey is human. This is how the survivors of the holocaust amuse themselves ... until one of the hunted survives.
The survivor burnt up with hatred and a seething desire for vengeance, undergoes a programme of ruthless training at the hands of an ex-cop.
The hunted becomes the hunter ... the Final Executioner.


A man and a woman (possibly husband and wife, the relationship is never explained) are forced to take a train ride to start this one off. They are prey for the decadent (often barely dressed) hunter class that rule this post-apocalyptic world (we love a good-old Mad Max style post-apocalyptic adventure, especially when the budget is low). 
They are cast out into the wilderness and given a head start to make the chase more interesting. They get caught and she gets killed. The man eventually escapes with a bullet wound and is found and cared for by an ex-cop, played by Woody Strode (yes, that's Woody Strode from Once Upon A Time In The West!). 
He is trained in the fine arts of dodging swinging weights, crawling under barbed wire and leaping/rolling through flames, none of which have any bearing on his mission of vengeance. After driving a car through a mass brawl he moves on to take out the one-time hunters at their country house. None of this part of the film stands out because quite a lot of it was filmed in the dark, and all you can see is the odd flash of blade or gunfire.


This isn't the most fun we've had with this sub-genre, but it has its moments. The training montage in which the protagonist gets put through hell, seemingly just for Strode's character's pleasure is particularly enjoyable. There is a chase scene against two motorbikes, with one rider slowing down and stopping to allow the chaser to catch up. Also, there are some great hairstyles. 


D. C.

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002)

When two researchers discover a colossal shark's tooth off the Mexican coast their worst fears surface - the most menacing beast to ever rule the waters is still alive and mercilessly feeding on anything that crosses its path.


You can't go wrong with a low-budget creature feature. Providing enough screen time is dedicated to poorly made puppets and/or shocking compositing. Shark Attack 3 at least has a generous amount of the latter, albeit crammed mostly into the last act. That's not to say that everything leading up to it isn't enjoyable also in some way.


The plot is your standard affair- Leviathan hunts innocent swimmers and fishermen, while the coast guard try to kill it, marine biologists try to save it, and everyone else refuses to believe it exists.


The acting is classic z-grade stuff, with everyone taking their roles very seriously. Except that is for the lead, John Barrowman (of Torchwood and cheesy saturday night TV 'fame'), who seems to know exactly what he is doing, delivering his dialogue with the right amount of camp and self-awareness.


Shark Attack 3 is full of memorable moments. Highlights include: Barrowman's character photographs a shark's tooth that he is holding, only for the image to appear on his computer instantaneously and free from any clasping finger,or background! The infamous line (those who have seen the film will know exactly which line this is). A man jet-skiing right into the megalodon's gaping mouth. Those moments, and many more, had us laughing in joyous disbelief throughout. Which makes this film a definite Teacake Society recommendation.   


C.